Oh, the Names You Have Called Me

Last night a woman at a condo association meeting began screaming at me that I was “a liar and an idiot.”

This felt very familiar, as if I were coming home. It occurred to me that people like to yell at me and insult me. It’s conceivable that I might possibly provoke this sort of behavior in others. For posterity’s sake, I am going to create a list of the names people have called me and the insults they have hurled my way since my earliest childhood. Please check back regularly for updates to this list. If you can recall insults I haven’t included, add them to the comments section and I will integrate them into the main entry. Also, there are many kinds of insults here. Help me come up with types.

Sausan: “Your brother never punched me when he was in the womb.”
Cindy: “You’re a fascist.”
Anne: “Oh yes, you’re e-mail boy.”
Lacy: “He’s a sexual harasser.”
Neville: “I asked how you were doing, not your sordid friends.”
Michael the Therapist: “You’re not insane, but you are a sociopath.”
Michael: “You don’t make enough money.”
Phil: “Go back to Egypt, camel jockey.”
Tony: “You’re a farkin’ idjit!”
Tony: “Thanks for the sources. I was able to find all the books at Borders.”
Liz: “He wants to suicide bomb my office!”
Bradin: “You’re a genocidal maniac.”
Sharon: “You have no deductive reasoning.”
Howard: “You’re a smart guy, so stop acting like such a fucking idiot. You’re beyond arrogant. It’s something else more pathological than arrogance.”
Brian: “I don’t have as much experience as you do with prostituting myself, but…”


13 Responses to “Oh, the Names You Have Called Me”

  1. Mi Kyung Says:

    Cindy yelled at you too, as I recall. I can’t remember what she said. But I remember that she was really really pissed at you for dismissing her subjectivity. Oh, let’s just say that it was something like, “You’re a fascist!”

  2. darknessatnoon Says:

    Hey Micky, I don’t think I meant to dismiss her subjectivity, per se. I think I was trying to say something more along the lines of “grow up.” But yes, I do recall her calling me a fascist.

  3. Patrick O'Connor Says:

    When I was a freshman at Cornell one of my classmates, now a professor of social anthropology at Pepperdine, was doing a sociolinguistic project in which he eavesdropped on conversations and listed all the different kinds and frequencies of address; I don’t remember the stats, but I do remember how pleased he was when one of the male housemembers addressed one of the female housemembers as “Little Miss Weenie Asshole.” And now L.M.W.A. is a professor of 18th century literature at Yale (Jill Campbell, author of a book on Fielding’s masques). So perhaps invective is somehow related to the eighteenth century.–Patrick (who does not recall any particular names being hurled at darknessatnoon, nor recalls hurling any at him himself; no doubt because he has only published one article on eighteenth-century literature, a travel miscellany about the roads between Buenos Aires and Lima)

  4. Zed Says:

    I was going to ask if we were supposed to grade the insults according to the degree of truth we reckon them to have. However, since I see I’m included on the list, I guess I’m disqualified.

  5. darknessatnoon Says:

    Patrick:Little Miss Weenie Asshole is a beautiful insult. I’m a huge fan of the insult-form which might very well be related to the eighteenth century and the rise of society. Zed:Go ahead and rate them. I actually loved your insult because it was so casual and dropped without malice.

  6. Patrick O'Connor Says:

    I can guess who “Zed” is! How’s Riva, Zed? Did she do any docenting on that amazing 20th c. Mexican women artists exhibit at the Mexican Fine Arts Museum? Has *she* called darknessatnoon any interesting insults?–Pi Omega

  7. Victoria J. van Dijk Says:

    I recall a redoubtable UCLA professor calling you “e-mail boy.”

  8. Ali Says:

    My mother once said you needed “to grow up” and “just forget about everything.” This wasn’t said directly to your face so I’m not sure if it belongs on the list. Of course, not being invited to La Verne anymore, you don’t have too many opportunities to be face-insulted by my family.

  9. darknessatnoon Says:

    Ali, I’m sure they’ve insulted me plenty in the past, and more directly, but I’ve gotten pretty good at blocking those memories out.

  10. adam Says:

    You forgot “vicious faggot”.

  11. darknessatnoon Says:

    Wait, who called me that? I remember that phrasing…

  12. Ali Says:

    What made the “grow up” and “just forget about it” comment particularly bad was that it was said during a difficult time for you (early 2005).

  13. darknessatnoon Says:

    Yes, it was a mean, yet understated, comment.

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