Out of Treatment, the Relationship Episode*

darknessatnoon meets Michael the Boyfriend after a particularly traumatic incident. he has had to kick his bartender roommate, Becky, out of the apartment. she had been a good friend, but was out of work for seven months out of the past nine. during this time, her usual cynicism has transformed into a deeply bitter depression. she lays on the couch glaring at darknessatnoon as he types out conference papers, angry that he is hogging his computer. with nothing to do, she takes his cordless phone and sits on the porch, smoking, running up his phone bill to complain about darknessatnoon long-distance. when darknessatnoon finally forces her to leave, he discovers $500 in long-distance charges. $500 worth of complaints about him for which he will never be compensated, as well as nine months of rent he has had to cover for her. several of his friends are angry at him for no longer supporting Becky. now they have to support her. they refuse to speak to darknessatnoon for shedding himself of his burden because now they carry the burden.

then darknessatnoon meets Michael, and they become boyfriends. they have achieved happiness.

darknessatnoon is happy for the first time she has known him, according to his friend, L.,. according to his friend, C., he behaves like a born again christian. C. claims that a blank moon-face has replaced his personality. but darknessatnoon, the prescription drug addict, has to be happy! so he disregards the born-again comment.

Michael the Boyfriend finds expressions to communicate his loud feelings at world hunger, human rights violations and injustice. His MAC homepage is the guerilla news network. earlier, he had to give up his career as a cellist because he was poor. he did not finish college because the republican governor of Michigan ended his scholarship. darknessatnoon is impressed that his boyfriend survived victimhood at the hands of powerful and corrupt men. now, at a young age, his boyfriend is a successful IT director at an investment bank. he prefers to discuss poverty and injustice instead of internet technology because Michael feels no internal relationship to the internet, but feels kinship with the poor. Michael the Boyfriend, himself, is related to many poor people. internet technology is unsatisfactory to Michael who boasts that he would rather be humble and bag groceries than make several hundred thousand dollars a year from the investment bank’s dirty money. darknessatnoon is proud of Michael the Boyfriend, for Michael the Boyfriend has abased himself before technology and mastered it. the Boyfriend boasts a fluency with machines that darknessatnoon admires because it is a fluency he will never possess. darknessatnoon, nevertheless mocks his IT-guy soul patch, privately praying for Michael to shave it off.

when they are in london, darknessatnoon’s friend, C., a trust-funded WASP who has a research grant at a british library, mocks poor people over dinner. Michael the Boyfriend experiences a feeling of offense because of this and demands that darknessatnoon keep C. out of the apartment when they return to the states. Michael the Boyfriend feels that if he shows that darknessatnoon rejects his snobby, elitist, friend, it will show that darknessatnoon loves him. darknessatnoon feels no opinion either way about the poor, and, in fact, enjoys his friend’s frivolity as she sneers her contempt for them over expensive drinks, but agrees to humor his boyfriend’s wishes though he does not realize that by indulging these wishes, he validates the jealousy behind them.

after the first month, Michael the Boyfriend says he loves darknessatnoon. he had a dream that darknessatnoon fucked someone else, and he dreamed of killing the person darknessatnoon fucked. darknessatnoon does not say he loves you back. he will eventually say he loves you Michael the Boyfriend while he is ejaculating. Michael the Boyfriend’s spirits soar when darknessatnoon ejaculates with semen and I love you.

darknessatnoon tells his therapist that Michael the Boyfriend experienced a crisis of faith when his two sisters died one month apart from another from breast cancer. darknessatoon’s therapist is unmoved by this touching story and asks a pointed question: “so?” darknessatnoon tries not to laugh at his therapist’s hateful insensitivity since he feels that laughing at Michael the Boyfriend’s grief is taboo. he would prefer to remain an emotionally manipulated person than to break this taboo. Michael the Therapist warns darknessatnoon not to be absorbed by his lover’s story since he is not his boyfriend’s property, claiming that he knows darky well enough to know that he is only trying to convince himself that he is sincerely touched by the Boyfriend’s confessional, daytime television, patois. darknessatnoon, says Michael the Therapist, is not usually driven by taboo. darknessatnoon snaps shut his thoughts so that Michael the Therapist can no longer share his interior.

Michael the Boyfriend has his own therapist, named Julie or Janet or Jeana. repeatedly, darknessatnoon’s Boyfriend complains that his therapist is a straight woman who cannot understand him. when darknessatnoon’s boyfriend complains, darknessatnoon swings his hand behind Michael’s head, pretending to be a puppeteer yanking his boyfriend’s mouth open and shut. he mimics his boyfriend’s complaints with a shrill puppet voice. darknessatnoon briefly dated a puppeteer from whom he developed an admiration of the craft. darknessatnoon privately dreams of producing an interpretation of Jacques Lacan’s “Signification of the Phallus” essay using lesbian puppeteers. darknessatnoon calls Michael a “puppet head,” as a nick-name. Michael the Boyfriend fumes when his problems are belittled by darknessatnoon’s impromptu puppet shows.

Michael the Therapist despises Michael the Boyfriend. he prefers Boring Jim or Tom, the Nutcase with the Psychosomatic Multiple Sclerosis — former darknessatnoon boyfriends who were degreed professionals without a history of driving their old boyfriend’s crazy. darknessatnoon ignores his therapist, thinking of what nice intercourse he and his boyfriend just had, again! Michael the Therapist points out repeatedly darknessatnoon’s own words: his boyfriend’s three immediately prior ex-boyfriends have all gone crazy.

1) Punjab or Punit or something, is an actor whose headshots Michael the Boyfriend refuses to return because the Boyfriend does not want to deal with him. Punjab or Punit’s headshots sit in a manila envelope on top of the refrigerator. this Indian constantly tries to contact Michael the Boyfriend, to retrieve his head-shots. he cries out for them like a jackal. perhaps he wants more than the head-shots? perhaps he spent a lot of money on his head-shots and only wants them back? darknessatnoon wonders why the Indian hasn’t made more copies unless these are the negatives. he doesn’t feel like intruding into the manila envelope to investigate. darknessatnoon volunteers to hand over the head-shots himself because he feels for Punjab or Punit, but to no avail. having grown up in California, darknessatnoon understands how important it is to an actor to be able to think he is pursuing his vain ambitions by making several career oriented calls a day, and sending out head-shots to punctuate those calls. but his Boyfriend does not wish to discuss it and the head-shots remain on the refrigerator.

2) down the street lives another Michael, who is Michael the Boyfriend’s Ex-Boyfriend. Michael the Boyfriend’s Ex used to be an executive, who, after being dumped by Michael, went crazy and gave an ultimatum to his employers. ‘promote me by the end of the day or consider this my letter of resignation.’ his employers accepted the resignation. to make enough money to eat, he cleaned Michael’s house and cooked dinner for months. darknessatnoon laughs and says he will never cook Michael’s dinner like some servant. Michael the Boyfriend’s Ex sold Michael the Boyfriend his collection of Bette Midler VHS tapes. darknessatnoon says to give them back. when are you ever going to watch Bette Midler movies? Michael the Boyfriend shrugs. Michael the Boyfriend’s Ex, Michael, is incredibly rude to darknessatnoon whenever opportunity arises. darkness’s Boyfriend, Michael, claims to never notice this, but darkness can see that even though he has argued on behalf of the ex’s Bette Midler repossession that he and the ex would gleefully beat one another blue if the opportunity were to arise. darkness tells his therapist that he would like to smash Michael the Ex’s rude, fat, face into a wall. he discusses his glee with his therapist that the Ex-Boyfriend is health food freak who doesn’t eat enough iodine and has been growing a goiter. darknessatnon and Michael the Therapist spend several minutes discussing the fact that Cleopatra also had a goiter. darkness and Michael wonder how did Cleopatra blow Julius Caesar with a goiter in the way?

3) Michael the Boyfriend also dated David for 11 years, a local minister. after Michael dumped David in under-described circumstances, David moved to Michael the Boyfriend’s new apartment complex. more specifically, he moved into the apartment across from Michael and proceeded to ignore him, refusing Michael visitation rights to their shared cat.

Michael the Therapist finds all this suspicious. he sees trouble in the works for darknessatnoon. after he walks in on darknessatnoon in the waiting room, flirting with another patient who is just there to pick up drug samples, he asks darknessatnoon what darky thinks of the patient. he is nice, says darknessatnoon, he’s a flirt. he clearly wants to sleep with me. Michael the Therapist comments, I think you two would sleep together. darknessatnoon asks, really? Michael the Therapist says yes, he would definitely sleep with you and you probably would sleep with him. darknessatnoon angrily answers, you are being unprofessional. Michael the Therapist claims that darknessatnoon doesn’t allow anyone to be professional around him, but apologizes for the transgression. darknessatnoon elaborates that he doesn’t want professionalism per se, but would rather his therapist, whom he pays! not regress into a boob.

Michael the Boyfriend suffers migraines. he and his hippy doctor are opposed to medication, and the boyfriend constantly criticizes darknessatnoon’s prescriptions. Michael the Therapist asks if darknessatnoon considers this rational. darknessatnoon says that he is grateful for headaches since they give them the chance to take Tylenol. when Michael the Boyfriend falls sick, he takes the day off and mopes around the house. darknessatnoon offers him Nyquil but the boyfriend says no, he would rather ride it out. in the past two years, darknessatnoon has cracked a rib, dislocated a shoulder and sprained a wrist and an ankle, all while rowing. he visits his primary care physician regularly after graduating from physical therapy for his shoulder. his doctor asks if his boyfriend is physically abusing him. darknessatnoon laughs and says he is 6’6″ and his boyfriend is 5’9″. even if he wanted to physical abuse me, says darknessatnoon, it would be unlikely that he could. darknessatnoon tells his physician that if he were being sexually abused, he would enjoy it. his physician has a sluttish air about her. darknessatnoon suspects she is a nymphomaniac, so he is not surprised by her incessant abuse inquiries. he also knows his accidents of the previous two years make him a rather suspicious patient. he says he would like to get an HIV test to show Michael. the doctor tells him that syphilis is currently a BIG DEAL in the gay community and agrees to give darknessatnoon a blood test if he will take a syphilis inoculation and test. darknessatnoon says that if he had syphilis wouldn’t he be blind and mad by now, but agrees to take the inoculation which hurts like hell. the glutinous injections harden in his ass cheeks, and darknessatnoon bikes home in agony, cursing his bitch physician for not warning him of this. Michael, who won’t even take an aspirin, puts off his blood test for months, angering darknessatnoon. he explains to darknessatnoon that his father is a hypochondriac and that he has always been resistant to medication. your father probably isn’t going to give me a sexually transmitted disease. you, I don’t know so much about, says darknessatnoon. get tested! Michael the Therapist clucks in anger at this story. he whines that his namesake should get tested. darknessatnoon begins to enjoy feeding his therapist reasons to whine about his boyfriend.

Michael the Boyfriend forces darknessatnoon to sit through Chuck and Buck, a movie one of his professors recommended. darknessatnoon finds the movie hugely awkward and embarrassing. Michael the Boyfriend holds him down for fifteen minutes until darknessatnoon cannot take it anymore and screams that Michael is sexually abusing him.

in elevators with other people Michael the Boyfriend often says things to humiliate darknessatnoon, like if you ever hit me again, i am leaving you. darknessatnoon simmers helplessly when his boyfriend does this to him.

Michael the Boyfriend watches The Simpsons and Law & Order. darknessatnoon is bored by these shows, opting to go to the bedroom and read Anna Karenina, by Tolstoy, or The Mother by Gorky. he is having a russian phase which leads into a socialist realism phase. while the Law & Order cast struts its way through the credits, darknessatnoon wonders why socialist realist novels never include narration about work. with their dreamy soft-focus on factory life, “work” is never, ever, shown. everything but work appears, including political power plays, dramatic interpersonal encounters, the violence of the strike — fitting the revolutionary vanguard novel squarely into the traditional frame of bourgeois novelistic self-cultivation. darknessatnoon never gets around to writing about this. he is too happy to give a shit!

darknessatnoon gives up all the movies he used to watch because he is willing to compromise. in the past, he would go to art-house theaters. the Boyfriend has introduced him to DVDs and would prefer to watch Lord of the Rings. darknessatnoon fumes at Lord of the Rings. he is disgusted by this pompous, over-wrought, garbage. darknessatnoon goes a year without seeing his favorite film, The Last Seduction, because Michael the Boyfriend wouldn’t like it. Michael the Boyfriend is gay and spiritual, whereas darknessatnoon is gay and cynical. C., and Michael the Boyfriend reconcile because of their Lord of the Rings love, forcing darknessatnoon to go see The Two Towers. darknessatnoon makes loud, crude, jokes about 911 in the theater while waiting for the ‘film’ to start rolling. he begins to resent his Boyfriend.

Michael the Boyfriend lends darknessatnoon money for tuition since his loan hasn’t arrived. darknessatnoon pays his boyfriend back. Michael the Boyfriend immediately uses this money for taxes that he didn’t pay the year before and for the taxes of the current year. since he spent the money immediately, Michael forgets that darknessatnoon has repaid him. resentment stirs in Michael the Boyfriend.

darknessatnoon owes Michael the Therapist for two sessions. a strange man who calls himself Michael’s Bookkeeper leaves a message on darknessatnoon’s answering machine, reminding him of the payments. darkness hardly ever goes back to his apartment, so several days pass between the leaving of the message and the listening to it. darknessatnoon immediately sends off a check. he can sense the Bookkeeper is gay. he feels a twinge of jealousy. is this just a Bookkeeper or a Bookkeeper & Michael the Therapist’s Boyfriend at once? darknessatnoon considers asking his therapist if the Therapist is fucking around with the Bookkeeper, but he cannot bring himself to voice the question and thereby pump his therapist’s already bloated ego.

Michael the Boyfriend complains again about his own therapist, Julie, Jane or Jenna. because she is a woman she can’t understand him. darknessatnoon thinks to himself that he is grateful because he doesn’t need therapeutic understanding; only pills. darknessatnoon wonders what’s so ‘complex’ about Michael that his therapist can’t understand him. he laughs about this with his own therapist. Julie or Jean or Janet the Therapist tells Michael the Boyfriend that he and darknessatnoon are right for each other for all the wrong reasons, which gives the Boyfriend an anxiety attack. before doing damage control, darknessatnoon angrily asks puppet head what the hell that’s supposed to mean, but, as usual, eloquence fails puppet head who lays in bed, shaking from his bitch shrink’s disapproval. darknessatnoon states that the puppet cannot express what this means because the statement itself is meaningless mumbo jumbo.

Michael the Boyfriend does not know that darknessatnoon regularly goes to visit Michael the Therapist. darkness fears having to explain his therapist’s animosity towards Michael the Boyfriend. darknessatnoon asks Michael the Therapist what it means to say that Michael and I right for each other for all the wrong reasons? from this cliché ridden statement, can Michael the Therapist detect Julie the Therapist’s school of thought? Michael the Therapist wants to know why darknessatnoon wants to know her school of thought is. darknessatnoon explains that it will aid him in undermining Julie the Therapist if he can figure out her therapeutic technique. Michael the therapist refuses to aid darknessatnoon in understanding Julie, saying that it would be unethical to interfere in Michael the Boyfriend’s treatment. saying that he doesn’t have enough information to go on anyway. saying that he can understand why darknessatnoon is upset by this comment. why, asks darknessatnoon? because, darknessatnoon, one thing I know about you is that when you fall in love with other people, you only love all the wrong things about them. you always love only all the wrong things.

Michael the Boyfriend reads Fast Food Nation. because of this book that darknessatnoon has no time to read, he becomes a vegetarian. darknessatnoon is unsympathetic to this. their first serious fight takes place on a visit to michigan, to see Michael the Boyfriend’s family. The mother is a horrible cook. after a third visit, darknessatnoon can’t abide the prospect of eating her food one afternoon and asks that the puppet head briefly stop at Wendy’s. the puppet head rebels. Michael the Boyfriend refuses to support the fast food industry. they have a heated argument, during which darknessatnoon, who is starving, nearly leaves the car. but darknessatnoon doesn’t know how he’ll foot it to Wendy’s, and doesn’t want to figure out how to find a train back to chicago. he curses his own laziness and impracticality. after the break-up, the mother poisons herself with her own salmonella-filled cooking. darknessatnoon sends her flowers at the hospital. Michael the Ex-boyfriend thanks him and says the doctors claim she has a 50% chance of living five years. darknessatnoon says that means they have no idea what they are talking about. are they planning to flip a coin? he laughs. Michael the Ex-Boyfriend is upset by this statement. he gets off the phone abruptly.

Michael the Boyfriend hates darknessatnoon because he owes him his hard-earned money. darknessatnoon shames Michael the boyfriend by reminding him of the six thousand dollar check he gave the Boyfriend back in April. Michael says he forgot and apologizes, but angry words have already been spoken and he wishes darknessatnoon would make more money. Michael the Boyfriend is really angry because he wants to buy a house in the country near his aging mother and father, and the rest of his family. darknessatnoon is disgusted. he says that Michael treats his family like a cult. you don’t have to live on a compound with them. Michael the Boyfriend wants to give up his high-paying IT job and bag groceries, and wishes darknessatnoon were more interested in things like gardening and adoption. darknessatnoon giggles at the adoption suggestion and asks why darknessatnoon cannot just look in the phone book and call up a Mexican who can garden for them. darknessatnoon asks puppet head how he intends on taking care of his aging mother and father, who have no medical insurance, on the income of a grocery bagger. Michael the Boyfriend hates darknessatnoon because just when puppet head would like to discuss his emotional problems, which involve a house with a garden, — nearby a lake,– and child-care, darknessatnoon acts as if he doesn’t possess a heart, but only a brain. Michael the Boyfriend has even already referred to his stance against the war and his sympathy to poor people, and the bush administration’s indifference to the American infrastructure, to demonstrate that humans must help one another, and in turn, they collectively overcome crises. after Michael finishes spewing about poor people, darknessatnoon explains that he is not anti-war. that he is pro-war but is just rooting for the other side. his eyes show how, by god, he hates darknessatnoon’s politics, thinks Michael the Boyfriend.

Michael the Boyfriend buys them a house in Michigan and goes to fix it up. then he drives back on their anniversary to tell darknessatnoon that they will work it all out. as they go to bed, Michael the Boyfriend throws his arm across darknessatnoon. darknessatnoon lays still and cold, pretending he is unconscious of the gesture. he is thinking that he needs to write his dissertation and get out of this situation before he ends up bagging groceries with Michael. he thinks that he needs a refill of speed.

darknessatnoon falls asleep, and wakes up to find his Boyfriend gone. he goes into the other room to see the Boyfriend packing his shit up into the car. the car is parked in a tow-zone, and as they argue at 2AM, a tow-truck comes to take the car. Michael the Boyfriend — now Ex-Boyfriend — argues that darknessatnoon doesn’t make enough money. he wants to give up his job and bag groceries. as he is talking about bagging groceries, he is running outside to save his car from the tow-truck driver. after saving his car with a quick bribe, Michael the Ex-Boyfriend comes back and offers darknessatnoon his cats – cats he found as kittens when cleaning out his dead sister’s house. darknessatnoon says no thanks. Michael the Ex-Boyfriend asks darknessatnoon to pick up his dry-cleaning and drives off. darknessatnoon emails the news to Michael the Therapist and makes an appointment. he also asks the Therapist to send a refill for Adderall.


darknessatnoon then spends the next two years overreacting.

* Where we fast forward through ‘the relationship’ in a stylistic homage to Elfriede Jelinek’s Women as Lovers.

Coming Soon in Out of Treatment!

darknessatnoon attends the Conference on Depression and cracks a tooth!


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5 Responses to “Out of Treatment, the Relationship Episode*”

  1. Luches Says:

    If we were teaching this short story to first year students, we’d ask, “Note that this is called “the relationship episode.” What do we learn about “relationships” from this episode? What *isn’t* a relationship? Why aren’t all of them in this series called “the relationship episode”? We would ask, why does darkness turn hard of heart toward puppet head, who is hard of head? Because he is being a good patient of psychiatry? Because he was forced to feel awkward in front of *Chuck and Buck*, rather than to feel superior or inferior to other arts? Because what he admired in puppet head (expertise) was drowned out by PH’s growing desire to be simple (bagging groceries, being his family’s son and benefactor), a drive that was also masked as progressive politics? I mean, they had cats and sex! Why is loving those things loving the wrong things?Darkness was happy, though, before he was unhappy. This is a different topic from whether he was manifesting good taste (loving the wrong things).This is an excellent story, no shit. I owe you some therapy stories, and I’ll catch up soon. I am typing this in the airport now. The person sitting next to me is massaging her thighs, anticipating the edema engendered by the eight hour flight to come.

  2. darknessatnoon Says:

    luches,I am overdue with a thorough response to your comment. As you already know that “relationship” is a touchy subject for me given that it’s a prologue to the shitty chain of events that followed (which I will only touch upon fleetingly). It takes quite a provocation for me to launch into the third person. Good call in pointing out that I specifically made it the “Relationship Episode” as opposed to “Couple’s Therapy,” the alternate title.Of course I loved him and I was happy as I “get,” given my inability to shed a certain constant degree of self-consciousness. I just can’t put into words the incidents and atmosphere that made me happy to be with him. This is because my foul-mouthed anger at how it all ended up would degrade those memories. I end up having to practice a high degree of compartmentalization over him everyday.I could have made the Boyfriend out to be worse or better than I did. The same goes for darknessatnoon’s ‘character.’ In fact, I don’t think the Boyfriend was necessarily “hard of head,” though I make him out that way. That’s a side effect of my need to maintain intellectual supremacy (and, to be honest, I suppose I am a lot smarter than he is… for all the good that did me). He was very intelligent in his own way, if not articulate. My fetish for “normal guys” over-rode any bad taste, and, when it came to music, the Boyfriend was more gifted than he knew. I always played dumb about music, but hearing him perform — even if just in the living room — was something of a revelation. I suppose that my rage at him was that he had the potential to be a much better person than he chose to be. And that’s a complicated statement in itself. I might go into what I mean by that in a later post.As for the Puppet Head stunts I used to pull… well, I couldn’t love him and allow myself to lose control of my tone of voice. That was one of my means of maintaining a veneer of objectivity around him… if that makes any sense to you. When we broke up, I was truly destroyed. Even so, I couldn’t help but mock him whenever we would talk. I wouldn’t do it overtly. It would take a long time in each conversation for him to see that I’d led the discussion in such a way as to make him look like a fool so that part of me could laugh even in my grief and despair.If this were a story I was analyzing as I refused, for so long, to analyze my life, I’d posit that it was more of a story about the Therapist and darknessatnoon than about darknessatnoon and his boyfriend. The Boyfriend provided a catalyst that placed darknessatnoon in a position of actual dependence upon the Therapist. The Therapist was positioned by the Boyfriend and by darknessatnoon such that he would eventually transition into darkness’s life support system. Prior to the Boyfriend’s transformative effect, the Therapist was merely a pill vendor; a white-collar drug dealer. Afterwards, he was an integral to darknessatnoon’s survival (too bad he was incompetent!).On the other end, the relationship produced a ripple effect. Both our therapies took on a jealous, destructive, edge that might have been produced as a kind of countertransference by the Boyfriend/darknessatnoon relationship. Unlike most of darknessatnoon’s other so-called “relationships,” this was an authentic one. Instead of being able to take “positions” and have “opinions” that he could deploy in social encounters with the Boyfriend — as he does with most other people –, his sense of self became enmeshed with his perception of the Boyfriend (darknessatnoon’s perception of the Boyfriend had far greater nuance than the Boyfriend’s perception of his own self). Such that, once this Boyfriend was gone, darknessatnoon’s own hard-won sense of self dissolved. The dialog might not reflect darknessatnoon’s emotions in relation to Michael — since he verbally took positions and had opinions during emotional moments — but that is only because darknessatnoon was too guarded to willfully share his feelings even with someone he adored. A point of trivia, darknessatnoon only told the Boyfriend how he felt about the Boyfriend when he was sure his boyfriend was deep asleep.

  3. Zed Says:

    Comical and godawful, your story.I did speculate while reading that the meaning of the doubling of Michaels (Hebrew: “he who resembles God”) was a displaced transference. Your respect for M1, who was able to withstand your sarcasm and provocations, is clear, but to have recognized that relationship (I will say nothing about your father) would have run against your grain. So you found M2, who you often present as a cipher (as you say above, he was more than that — I never met the man) and made M2 the object of your idealization and affection. Just idle speculation, of course. Also:Work: Socialist realism :: sex: romance?

  4. darknessatnoon Says:

    Zed, That’s very interesting about the name Michael. I once told Michael the Therapist that “you homos with biblical names always consider yourself God’s gift to men.”

  5. darknessatnoon Says:

    lol, and what WOULD you say about my father?

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